Anger – Frustration and the Power of Stillness

Anger had been welling up inside of me all day, or that’s the way it seemed at the time.I knelt on the floor intending to complain or even argue with God, I could feel my anger and frustration welling up demanding to be set free

Although if someone was to ask me now why I was so angery, I could not say or remember.

All I recolect is I felt I might explode and could continue no longer, so I knelt on the floor intending to complain or even argue with God, I could feel my anger and frustration welling up demanding to be set free

My body shivered not just with the cold of the night air, but also the powerful force of my anger, as I opened my mouth to speak I hear the words “Be still”

I found unable to speak as a quietness spread over me like a velvet blanket, enveloping me in such an indescribable peace, my hand tenderly held as I journeyed into the very presence of God

My anger and frustration began to float out of me, rising as steaming water, no longer bothering my mind or soul – no longer mine to cling onto

Quietly at first sweet music played from a distance, gradually it came closer or perhaps it was I that moved, whichever it was soon it enveloped me so complete my body – my soul rose up with the increasing crescendos

Entering into such beauty – such wholeness surrounded I lost self-awareness so completely

I became just a tiny speck of this immense oneness, this experience was beyond feelings or anything I could have ever imagined

As there was no sense of time, I could not how long I remained there, but I hope the memory will linger on and remain with me for the rest of my life

Slowly after what seem forever, my spirit descended back into my body which shivered once more, for it had missed my spirit and jolted at its arrival

This empty shell my body which the Holy Spirit of God had given as one of many gifts, for now I appreciated all of those gifts as I had never before

I was now so full of unexplainable joy I could not help myself and burst into praise songs, with such force my body shook once again, and trembled with the awesome power that still linger within me

All that frustration and anger that had so tortured my mind and body were but a faded and distant memory, replaced by this sweet gentle and wonderful peaceful love.

Even though my body and mind now told me to rise, I didn’t want to leave even though I was now aching, reluctantly I whispered Amen.

I arose stiffly from my kneeling and stretched and once more raised my voice in praise, turning away left my room to return to what would never quite be normal life again

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I Surrender All

https://youtu.be/7x2IpLSfqp8 I Surrender All, a YouTube video I wanted to embed so that it would be included in my post

However WordPress does not seem to allow this anymore, and promptly changes it to a link, but I still intend to write this post

I Surrender All, is one of my favorite Hymns which stuck firmly in my memory and I would often find myself humming it (humming is one of my bad and annoying habits)
But it wasn’t until recently that I came to know the truth of the words of that song

When I finally relinquished my control (poor control) over my addiction of far too many years and gave EVERYTHING, that I began to benefit from the effects that this Hymn and the words sing about

The sense of freedom was wonderful beyond mere words can explain, as anyone who has tried to give up any kind of addiction will tell you just how impossible giving up their addiction can be

They will also tell you the longer you allow it to dominate your life, the harder it is to give up and that is certainly true in my case

What they may not tell you but I will, is how I made up excuses and reasons anything but admit I was addicted

As to the addiction I would prefer not to give into details, just to say it was sexual based, and started way back in my innocent youth

It was instigated by another boy who sat next to me at school, who seemed to know about sexual things, but I allowed it to continue ignoring his advances as best I could

Until one day he stopped in the same unannounced manner he had started, but by then I had become so accustomed to him taking advantage of my quiet nature

I found I could not remove the memory of his actions, and began fantasizing and indulging myself in very the same action he had done to me

My fist excuse “it was not my fault he had perverted me” so with that excuse I could continue where he left off

But as time went on I had to come up with other excuse, as my sexual appetite increased

Here are some of those excuses “I’m only human” “You have to have some pleasures in life, too boring otherwise” It’s not as if I’m hurting anyone”

But these were just lies, that allowed me to continue  and not face up to the fact I was addicted, which lead me into much darker places (practices)

One thing I had noticed the more power of the addiction grew the more it demanded, and the sense of loneliness as how could I explain to anyone until now

For now Jesus has been gratuitous enough to lift the burden of me, so that I am no longer addicted and even if I stray back into that dark place of self-indulgence

These two passages below came to my mind, but had to do a google search to find the actual passages and verse

Ephesians 4:22-24English Standard Version (ESV)

2 Corinthians
22 
to put off your old self,[a] which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires,
23 and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, 24 and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness.

– Therefore if any man [be] in Christ, [he is] a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.

Putting off my old self is way over due, how about you?

 

 

 

 

The weapons of the enemy

I know from personal experience, the more I give into my own weakness (temptation) the more power I freely give to the enemy

The enemy knows us and our weakness and will use ever one of them against us, to distract and deceive us

All too frequently he uses ourselves against ourselves, by manipulating our human emotions are turned against us

For once we give into our self-indulgences, we open the door of opportunity for evil to slither in with 

The enemy uses Lies are his the main weapon, Confusion to cloud the mind so we begin to doubt, he also uses poor imitations of gifts given by God

Such as lust which he disguised as free sex instead of love, the enemy invaded our minds into thinking that free sex was the new alternative to “love”

The big difference is sex, is self-centred and appeals to our vanity, this also gives us the so called freedom to include the same gender relationships.

He uses anger to take away our control of our temper, which spread like a bush fire from one person to another, engulfing anyone it touches

He also uses our bad habits and quickly turns them into addictions, at which point we become slaves rather than the free willed people God created us to be

How to tell bad habits from good ones, good habits take time and constant effort to maintain, whereas bad habits are way too easy to get into

But the devil to give up, and there is a hint in that phrase to who is driving force behind our bad habit

As with temper, any addictive bad habit can and do affect other people more than we might imagine

Not only infecting others in the same way a virus would spread, but also like ripples on water, growing larger as they spread

The enemy uses our prejudice against others who don’t look or talk the same, and through our own vanity allow ourselves to judge them inferior and we become self-righteous

So we can begin so called holy wars, claiming to have Gods approval

God in action bringing us together

Mom My lovely wife Carol

I was the last on at my parents house who was still unmarried, my two brothers and one sister had moved out and married some years ago

I was not good at “chatting up” my dad’s phrase, even went I plucked up the courage to go and talk to a young lady, it turned out she was already dating someone

So I continued as a bachelor living at home, even though I wanted to become happily married to somebody as pleasant and happy as my mum

At some point I had given up meeting up with someone who I would get married too, and then one evening I went to a local Salvation Army citadel

During the service I decide I would go and kneel at the mercy seat and offered my life to God to take control of

Shortly after the meeting a young lady Salvation army member came up to me to congratulate me on standing up and kneeling at the mercy seat

That lady was my future wife to be (Carol – although I didn’t know it yet) I remember thinking to myself, it was too late having a lady chatting me up and also thinking she was too young for me she was 19 at that time

However this young lady was not so easily put off, and asked me to go home with her for a cup of tea and meet her parents and sister

So it was I went back to this young ladies home, and then began what used to be called courting, although I had no thoughts of marriage at that time

Carol had different ideas, as she had practised dressing up as a bribe in white using for many years her mums best net curtains

I just enjoyed the company of this vibrant young lady, and the fact I had not needed to chat her up

Sometime later Carol sent me a note saying she had something she needed to tell me, which turned out to be she suffered with epilepsy

I knew nothing about this condition so brushed the aside as not important, and we continued with plans to marry when she was 21

There was a break in our relationship due to I had a nervous break down, or so I was told later, although I remember it differently but that is another story

I am unsure how long after returning home from hospital, before I went to Carol’s home again only to find she was at the Salvation citadel, so I went up there only to find she had left to go home

As I had come this far I decide to go back the way I had come up and go back to her home, undeterred I headed back the way I had come

Only to see Carol running full speed towards me and promptly leap into my arms, which was trusting of her as I was not expecting to catch her im my arms

However I did, more out instinct then skill, and at that moment I knew I had accepted whatever the future had in store for us as a new couple

A few years later in 1982 we got married in a local church that had a long aisle so Carol could show off the wedding dress she had bought to its fullness

Even though the day was in June the weather change from sunny to wet and cloudy, and as we walked down the isle we heard thunder

Even so the day went well and we had 150 attend including family and friends

The depth of Love

I have take care of my lovely wife all of our married life, but because of my vanity I thought she need me

Only to find years later that I need her more, because of her bubbly personality and enjoyment of life

In February of this year my wife had several seizures and had to be taken to hospital, after seven weeks was transfer to a rehab to help gain balance when walking

However due to the change of medication in both strength and frequency, my wife was taken back into hospital and it looks like they are reluctant to admit they may have been wrong and therefore alter the dosage or strength

Almost to the point of ignoring the effects of content vomiting and setbacks are having on my wife and myself

In spite of all the frustrations and disappointments, my wife remains mostly in good spirits

Which I admire and love her more than ever before, as well as experiencing new depths of love

At the same time the pain and anguish and so helpless to alter the situation, I begin to understand the depth of Christ’s love for us all

As I lurch from almost hysterical laughter to tears filling my eyes and wrenching at my heart, it is at these times I give it all up in prayer to God

Not a unfeeling god of stone or brass, not a god of war – not a distant unapproachable god, but rather a God of love – compassion and a God who became human and therefore understands our struggles and weaknesses

A God who is willing to bear our sorrows and who was willing to suffer greatly, far beyond our comprehension with the deepest of love

Bitter Sweet Battle of Emotions

It’s been a while since I wrote on my blog, having started this tile seems to express both my feeling and struggle to let God stay in control

It’s been 7 weeks since my wife Carol had been admitted into hospital, then Thursday 9th March the ambulance brought her back home

While we were both jubilant at the home coming, neither of us released just how poor her balance was, although the hospital recommended a rehabilitation center in Sheldon

Which we declined as the long distance away from our home, we both hoped that being at home would be the best place to recover

However this was not the case and we were persuaded to allow Carol to return to Heartlands hospital on Friday 10th

All of one day and night at home, to add salt to the wound of disappointment, it seems the hospital are reluctant to keep Carol in as she is physically fit to their thinking

So this leaves me to regret turning down the rehab in Sheldon, and feeling angry with myself for not asking God or accepting it might be His will

Which now seems as I will have to reluctantly have to accept my wife going there

But now it seems we may not be able to do this as Carol is in a different ward (department)

With different rehab staff in charge who may decide differently and I have no way of knowing until tomorrow, and only if they decide to contact me

Sadly I let my emotions get the better of me and now I regret that and not trusting God to sort things out (which I regret even more)

Blessing in Disguise

Over the years I have had many answers to prayer, although not always the answer I asked for, as they say “God doesn’t always give us what we want, but always gives us what we need”

This was the case recently when I was praying my wife would stop having convulsions, as the day was turning out to be one of the worst days she had in years

Seizure after seizure throughout the day, until the evening time when I had given up hope that my prayers would be answered

Despondently I rang 999 and paramedics came and took my wife to Heartlands A&E, where she has been for nearly two weeks now

My wife’s recovery has been a little mixed, some days much better and others, so it looks as if she will be staying in hospital another week

Visiting the hospital back and forth is arduous and expensive as I use a taxi there and back, as bus service would take long and involve two both ways

I can’t say that life as a career has been easy, but being without Carol at home is far worse, as I miss her infectious smile and laughter, as its music to my soul

I had a lot of response when I commented on Facebook about what happened, many people we know commented and offered prayers and good wishes

You may well be wondering by now where the “Blessing in Disguise” come into this

Let me explain, for too many years some of the medication that Carol takes on a daily basis has given her confused thinking and changeable moods

Which the local doctors prescribed yet another tablet, (Psychotropic medication) which was for her (mental condition) so I was told

Since Carol had been admitted into a different hospital they reviewed the medication and removed using the medication that had been causing that problem

Hence the blessing in disguise, when I realized this was the answer to prayer we needed I gave praise to God and continue to do so and trust in the healing power of God