This almost white haired old man was intensely staring at me, it was making me feel uneasy
I tried to ignore him, maybe I’m just imaging he staring at me, this thought gave me a moments comfort, but then I looked up again
My comfort disappeared, he was still staring at me, but it was more than that he was looking through me, his stare was scrutinising everything about me
It began to feel like he could see into my very soul, and could see everything I had ever done in my life, this thought send shivers down my spine
At that moment I bitterly regretted everything selfish and bad thing I had ever done, even the memories of them made me feel physically ill
I shook from head to toe, partly from the intense feelings of the memories, but then with anger and self-indignation, who the hell was this old man – what right had he to examine me?
How dare he judge me, I’m not a villain, I haven’t really commented any real crimes, heck I’m only human I know I’m not a saint, but who is?
Excuses flooded through my mind, as I tried in desperation to deny my guilty indulges, but why should I be judged guilty what’s wrong with self-indulgence?
I bet I’m not the only person who self-indulgence, why pick on my – who was this old man – how could he possible know or have such power to invade my most private of thoughts
How could he see what I had done in the past, how come he had the power to summon up the long lost feelings and memories?
The questions seemed endlessly flooding in to my tormented mind, why was he tormenting me, then I realised I was tormenting myself because I was allowing my past life to surface and control my feelings
But I couldn’t help myself I was sobbing like a child, for pity sake STOP looking at me old man, I screamed out load, looking at him once more, through my tears I now saw my own face staring back at my, the old man was nothing more than my own reflection
Now I was feeling foolish to have been deceived by my own reflection, but now I knew how it was possible he had known so much, as you can hide lies and guilt from others but you can’t hide them from yourself
Then I also knew you can’t hide the wrong things of the past from God, I knelt down in my room and prayed for forgiveness, still with tears of regret streaming down my eyes
I begged God not only for forgiveness but for help to overcome my selfish nature, for I was now truly repentant as I have been before
I have been away from you my God far too long, wrapped up in pretence of self-pleasure saying to myself I will wait for others to come to you, I will wait until the last has given themselves to you before I return to you
Oh foolish old man, oh foolish sinner, allowing my own lies to cloud my mind and I allowed myself to be separate from your love, your teaching, your words
Take my back to yourself, embrace me in your love once more, take away this bitter repulsive past life of mine, I no longer want any part of it, cleans me of all my iniquities
“Be still” these words whispered in my ears filtering through my troubled mind, a gentle peace came over me, then from deep inside me such joy bubbled up in side filling my whole body, expelling all other feeling
Laughter exploded out of my mouth, as this unending joy rose and expanded, “Praise you my Lod my God you have heard my feeble words of anguish, and pitied me and answered my prayer
Filling me with your peace – love and this wonderful, oh so wonderful joy – thank you – oh thank you my Lord and saviour – I never want to stray from you again, hold me fast in your loving arms AMEN