Mental Breakdown

Before I begin this story, the mental breakdown happened many years ago, but I promise I would write about the experience

I will have to rely on my memory for the order of how it happened including events, other details are a little vague

I was still working and it was shortly after I had meet up with my future wife, somehow the notion of there being many ways / paths that would lead to God buzzed around in my head

I think that idea had been around many years ago but at this time was being revived as it it is in this present age

At that time there were no home computer, and I was yet to discover my passion for writing, as I no longer need to use handwriting it had fallen out of use

So I turned to sketchy drawings to put on paper my thoughts, which turned into a picture storyboard , I vaguely remember some of the images but unsure how long this story was

Sometime later I was in my father’s work-shed and quoted “The three rings of truth” no idea why or what I meant

I also had a vivid dream with Carol and her mum in, but the details have faded now

I also frequently visited a large old church in the middle of the Bull Ring Birmingham, and at least on occasion I ran my hands over carved headstones – but why is now a mystery

When this next part happened I’m unsure I think after the dream, a ambulance arrived at our house and I was taken to a mental hospital because of the mental breakdown

Although I didn’t see it that way, to me I believed it was God’s will and He had prepared my for this event through my drawing story.

The fact that I was taken to a mental hospital, didn’t bother me as the light-shades were similar colour to the light in my thoughts on one of my drawings

So I knew I was where I was meant to be, and continued thinking that way, until I became self-conscious when a Muslim lady gesture for me to pray with her using cupped hands

Then my thoughts of doing God’s will by being there, were shaken and living there was never the same afterwards

I’m unsure how long I remained there, I just know when I finally came back home to my parents I found it so hard to settle back into normal family life

I felt totally empty and none of pleasures from my past helped, they were just shadows impossible to even grasp hold of

I also felt uncomfortable being around my parents and started going out anywhere just to avoid being at home, at some point thoughts of ending my life invaded my mind

With such force and repetition I became unable to shake the compulsion to kill myself, but all of the methods that I had heard of seemed far to brutal

I will not go into details of the method I eventually used in my attempt to kill myself, enough to say as I stood gasping for breath I suddenly realised I was fighting to live and didn’t want to die then all thoughts of suicide left me and I went inside to get a drink of water no doubt looking pale and drained

After that day I began appreciating normal day things and giving praises for being alive and for being given a second chance to live the life God had planned out for me


Daily Life of a Caregiver

I write this press release about my daily life as someone who cares for his wife, not to boast, but more to inform those who don’t realize what is involved

Also for those who like me who take care of someone, so that they too may be given the recognition they deserve

As to myself I gave up my job and became a full-time caregiver, but not realizing at the time just how full time this was going to be

For starters, I had to learn what medications my wife was on, including the dosage and strength of each tablet she takes, and that has changed over time

Also during our first year of marriage, not only adjusting to married life but also witnessing first hand just how strong and violent grand mal seizures can be

At times I attempted to hold onto my wife through these seizures so she would not fall out of bed but this felt something like riding a bucking bronco

Other times when we went out my wife would crash to the floor without warning, far too quickly to grab hold of to slow the fall, which was unnerving to me and made me feel helpless

I also took over household duties, such as cooking – washing clothes – shopping – managing medication and money management

On days when my wife was unwell form the after-effects of a seizure, I would need to help her get dressed

All of this on a daily basis, more or less and continue to do so over 35 years of marriage

Believers Unite and let Our Light Shine

In this increasingly disbelieving world full of those who would put an end to all religions if they were able

Even though they have not yet figured how to accomplish this yet, they never pass up the opportunity to criticize or poke fun at any believers they come across

With their main aim towards Christians, by using evolution and twisted passages from the Bible

Along with insulting name calling of God and demanding real proof of Jesus, as they argue he never lived and was just yet another fairy story from the bile full of such stories

Even amongst Christians the enemy has driven a large wedge of separation using the old tactic of divide and conquer

I recently watched a video the other day featuring David Attenborough – Richard Dawkins – Richard Leakey – Jane Goodall Debate on how we should tackle the issue of saving our own planet

With Jane Goodall saying if there were one species that if it became extinct, would help to save this world, it would be us humans

Further on also said we need to reduce the population of earth, and this was agreed upon by other debaters, although not offering any ideas of how or who would decide how this would be done

Another problem which was discussed, was poverty and that those barely living in that situation must be taught not to desire the wealth and lifestyles the west enjoys

After watching up till this point in the video, it occurred to me that we Christians need to get involved with all of these problems and in some way attempt to solve them

Although many religions and churches already involve themselves, the Salvation Army is one of those groups who not only believe in Jesus and preach the word but also minister to the poor and needy

Even the Jehovah Witnesses go to other countries when a disaster strikes, even if they do this to further their influence, at least they help rather than talk about the situations

Dear brothers in Christ let us put aside our differences and name banner we go under, and stand together to show the rest of the world that we care enough to take action and let the light of God shine through us and make our little lights shine brighter than the sun

For we are called to love one another and to uplift each others spirit and to preach the gospelgospel, and to shed light in the darkness

So that through us God’s love and goodness might be seen and all who witness us doing Gods will, shall praise God

Anger – Frustration and the Power of Stillness

Anger had been welling up inside of me all day, or that’s the way it seemed at the time.I knelt on the floor intending to complain or even argue with God, I could feel my anger and frustration welling up demanding to be set free

Although if someone was to ask me now why I was so angery, I could not say or remember.

All I recolect is I felt I might explode and could continue no longer, so I knelt on the floor intending to complain or even argue with God, I could feel my anger and frustration welling up demanding to be set free

My body shivered not just with the cold of the night air, but also the powerful force of my anger, as I opened my mouth to speak I hear the words “Be still”

I found unable to speak as a quietness spread over me like a velvet blanket, enveloping me in such an indescribable peace, my hand tenderly held as I journeyed into the very presence of God

My anger and frustration began to float out of me, rising as steaming water, no longer bothering my mind or soul – no longer mine to cling onto

Quietly at first sweet music played from a distance, gradually it came closer or perhaps it was I that moved, whichever it was soon it enveloped me so complete my body – my soul rose up with the increasing crescendos

Entering into such beauty – such wholeness surrounded I lost self-awareness so completely

I became just a tiny speck of this immense oneness, this experience was beyond feelings or anything I could have ever imagined

As there was no sense of time, I could not how long I remained there, but I hope the memory will linger on and remain with me for the rest of my life

Slowly after what seem forever, my spirit descended back into my body which shivered once more, for it had missed my spirit and jolted at its arrival

This empty shell my body which the Holy Spirit of God had given as one of many gifts, for now I appreciated all of those gifts as I had never before

I was now so full of unexplainable joy I could not help myself and burst into praise songs, with such force my body shook once again, and trembled with the awesome power that still linger within me

All that frustration and anger that had so tortured my mind and body were but a faded and distant memory, replaced by this sweet gentle and wonderful peaceful love.

Even though my body and mind now told me to rise, I didn’t want to leave even though I was now aching, reluctantly I whispered Amen.

I arose stiffly from my kneeling and stretched and once more raised my voice in praise, turning away left my room to return to what would never quite be normal life again

Bitter Sweet Battle of Emotions

It’s been a while since I wrote on my blog, having started this tile seems to express both my feeling and struggle to let God stay in control

It’s been 7 weeks since my wife Carol had been admitted into hospital, then Thursday 9th March the ambulance brought her back home

While we were both jubilant at the home coming, neither of us released just how poor her balance was, although the hospital recommended a rehabilitation center in Sheldon

Which we declined as the long distance away from our home, we both hoped that being at home would be the best place to recover

However this was not the case and we were persuaded to allow Carol to return to Heartlands hospital on Friday 10th

All of one day and night at home, to add salt to the wound of disappointment, it seems the hospital are reluctant to keep Carol in as she is physically fit to their thinking

So this leaves me to regret turning down the rehab in Sheldon, and feeling angry with myself for not asking God or accepting it might be His will

Which now seems as I will have to reluctantly have to accept my wife going there

But now it seems we may not be able to do this as Carol is in a different ward (department)

With different rehab staff in charge who may decide differently and I have no way of knowing until tomorrow, and only if they decide to contact me

Sadly I let my emotions get the better of me and now I regret that and not trusting God to sort things out (which I regret even more)

WordPress update

I’m not sure when it happen that WordPress update the comments within the admin section, from the left side where it was before to tthe right hand side

As the writer of this blog I am still getting notice email when there is a new comment waiting for my approval

But following the link given in those email, does not take me to where I can approve them, plus I am unable to even see any comments unless I go to preview of my posted story

In order to see any comment now you need to click on the small bell image on the top right, but I found I can only “Like” and not approve!

Which is why I am writing this to ask if any other blogger using WordPress is having this problem and what you think about this unannounced update

If it was announced  I for one missed seeing it, but I would like feedback for other blog writers, and I apologize in advance for any delay in approving comments

Lies vs the Truth

Have you noticed how many places on the web, spew out lies about the Bible and Jesus

All to ready to totally dismiss the Bible as fairy stories, but when this fails other lies are used, to say the main characters Moses and Jesus didn’t exists

So how can we know which a lie is and which is the truth?

The simplest way to tell is, wait and see how long these rumours (lies) last, they all seem to be fairly short lived, whereas the true remains for years

Plus there will be newer lies pass around, to replace the older ones that failed to convince


Allow me to remind you of some of those lies, in order you can see them as a hollow shames

“God was an alien” as in a creature from another planet, but since God is eternal and created all the planets, the alien is just another lie to belittle God

“God is dead” & “there is no God” these two contradict each other, as if god couldn’t be dead if there was no god in the first place

 The Bible is just fairy stories made up by ignorant nomadic tribes 

But this could only be partly true, as the Old Testament or Torah was written by those tribes, but not the New Testament

Moses & Jesus were not real people, they are borrowed stories from other cultures

“The great flood and the ark of Noah, could never have happened, or the would be evidence”

However why is Venice still a city of water?


There are other such lies, but this will do for now, as I wanted to move onto those concerning Jesus, many of these lies may been forgotten but where eagerly passed around as true

No 1: In the not so distant past, there was a rumour, Jesus was homosexual, only because he associated with only men, but this was a lie and short lived

Mary Magdalene became a faithful follower and Jesus also forgave another women her sins of adultery

It also seems that there were a group of female followers headed by Mary Magdalene

No 2: Jesus did not died, he was replaced by someone else who looked like him

But Jesus must have died, because he rose again and appeared too many crowds, and also to his disciples

If Jesus was not crucified and therefore did not die then there could be no resurrection and as Paul said “We are to be pitied more than any other people”

Even in these modern days Jesus appears and they are converted and their lives are transformed

No 3: Jesus was just an ordinary man and not a god or son of god

This is untrue as Jesus would not have been able to forgive sins, which he did on more than one occasion, if he did not have that authority and therefore declare himself God in doing so

As you will see there has be a variety of lies that conflict with each, all claiming to be reasoned truths 

Believers know him  as the father of all lies, a deceiver a twister of the truth

To such an extent Satan allowed himself to be ridiculed and even encouraged people to mock and portray him in many ways ranging from powerful and frightening to little more than an impish and playful figure while devising new ways to dishonour the name of his creator

Whispering lies that would take root which would grow into doubts, which later on would grow into disbelief of a loving god, in the minds of believers

Satan – Beelzebub – Devil – Father of lies – Lucifer are just a few of the names Satan is known by, the titles of the Father of lies describes his personality the best

For he will use anything as a weapon even using the word of god, when tempting Jesus, failing miserably he must have decided if he could discredit the Bible as fairy  stories he would stand a better chance of defeating God

In this process Satan hide himself away by cloaking his appearance in human’s minds frequently altering their perception of himself

As his image has changed over time, from the fallen angel,

Also by providing humans with anything to distract them long enough to implant doubts and strange ideas they would later claim to be the result of their intelligence and ability to reason

Providing false evidence of the alternative to creation, which would strengthen his lies and make them appear to be the truth

While appealing to the base nature of man, with ideas of temporary enjoyment in the guise of freedom, suggesting that humans should please themselves and there was nothing wrong with doing so frequently

Even to the extent feeding them false information that this life is our only onee, which should be lived to the fullest, ignoring any restricting instructions (10 commandments

Hence the eat drink and be merry attitude of self-indulgence

While gathering followers for himself, by appearing to be an easy going undemanding deity of creation and encouraging them to worship him, which was what Satan had secretly wanted