Anger – Frustration and the Power of Stillness

Anger had been welling up inside of me all day, or that’s the way it seemed at the time.I knelt on the floor intending to complain or even argue with God, I could feel my anger and frustration welling up demanding to be set free

Although if someone was to ask me now why I was so angery, I could not say or remember.

All I recolect is I felt I might explode and could continue no longer, so I knelt on the floor intending to complain or even argue with God, I could feel my anger and frustration welling up demanding to be set free

My body shivered not just with the cold of the night air, but also the powerful force of my anger, as I opened my mouth to speak I hear the words “Be still”

I found unable to speak as a quietness spread over me like a velvet blanket, enveloping me in such an indescribable peace, my hand tenderly held as I journeyed into the very presence of God

My anger and frustration began to float out of me, rising as steaming water, no longer bothering my mind or soul – no longer mine to cling onto

Quietly at first sweet music played from a distance, gradually it came closer or perhaps it was I that moved, whichever it was soon it enveloped me so complete my body – my soul rose up with the increasing crescendos

Entering into such beauty – such wholeness surrounded I lost self-awareness so completely

I became just a tiny speck of this immense oneness, this experience was beyond feelings or anything I could have ever imagined

As there was no sense of time, I could not how long I remained there, but I hope the memory will linger on and remain with me for the rest of my life

Slowly after what seem forever, my spirit descended back into my body which shivered once more, for it had missed my spirit and jolted at its arrival

This empty shell my body which the Holy Spirit of God had given as one of many gifts, for now I appreciated all of those gifts as I had never before

I was now so full of unexplainable joy I could not help myself and burst into praise songs, with such force my body shook once again, and trembled with the awesome power that still linger within me

All that frustration and anger that had so tortured my mind and body were but a faded and distant memory, replaced by this sweet gentle and wonderful peaceful love.

Even though my body and mind now told me to rise, I didn’t want to leave even though I was now aching, reluctantly I whispered Amen.

I arose stiffly from my kneeling and stretched and once more raised my voice in praise, turning away left my room to return to what would never quite be normal life again

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Life without Religion

To begin with allow me explain I have been a Christian all of my life, and this year I will be 67 years old

I was christened as  a baby at a local church, and later went there for Sunday school,although I have no memory of this

Later on as a child I attended a local school, where every morning pupils had to attend the morning assembly, where passage of the bible were read out by the headmaster

I was fascinated by these stories, perhaps this was due to my earlier Sunday school lesson and a vivid imagination

I was able to picture the scenes depicted in my mind, so those stories and the characters became as real to me as everyday people to the extent I never doubted the truth of the bible

Time past and soon I was leaving school and began looking for job, a place of work which wasn’t easy as I had no idea what work I wanted to do

With my only thought was I wanted to do something using my hands, which is what I told my carers officer, much to the amusement of other boys at school when I told them what I had said

I won’t bore you with the exact details of all the jobs I started, sufficient to say there where I didn’t last that long employed

For assorted reasons I was dismissed for being unsuitable or found myself unable to work in noisy environments

I suppose thinking back it was at that time when I began to forget my interest in bible stories and any belief  I had acquired in my school days

Life goes on and time past more quickly as it seems to do, the next mile stone in my life was to be when I got married to a young girl of 19 ten years young than myself

This event took place in Hall Green Methodist church, as we had invited 150 guest and need a church large enough to seat them all and it also had a hall for the reception afterwards

So it was on June 12th 1982 we were married, and started our new life together in a small one bedroom house locally, life was not a bed of roses far from it, as my new wife suffers from epileptic seizures

Although I knew in advance about the condition, it really didn’t prepare me for the struggle and heart ace of watching helpless when my wife went into major fits, not to mention all the medication I had to get used to organizing for her

Sometime during our 1st year of marriage which was hard to deal with, a young couple came calling that belonged the the Jehovah witness group

I was desperate for company at the time, even though I didn’t admit it even to myself, so I invited them in even though they immediately began preaching about serving the right god, I listen and replied when the occasion arose

Drawing on my past knowledge of the bible,I remember shaking at times unsure why though, they continued for many weeks to come until maybe someone in higher authority decided to send two other JW’s

These were two ladies in place of the married couple who came first, these ladies were pleasant enough but somehow I was unable to feel at ease in the same way as before in sharing my faith and ideas with them

To be continued ….

Moving day:

After only one year at the house where we had lived, my wife told me she was pregnant and since that house only had one bedroom we decided to move to a two bedroom house

So we applied and fortunately a suitable house was offered not too far away from the old one, that also meant it was the time we had any of those JW’s visiting us

Then on June the 9th 1983 our daughter was born and yet another change was to begin, due the the medication my wife takes she either slept or had seizures as the medication didn’t always control the epliepsy

I had to take over the feeding and general looking after our daughter, but she was worth any sacrifice

Sometime when we had settle into our new home and lifestyle, we found a local Congregational church where we attend Sunday services and allowed our daughter to go to Sunday school

Time moves on and years fled by and before we knew it, we were celebrating our 25th anniversary so took that opportunity to re-dedicate ourselves to each other and went through a second marriage service

The years fly past and I spend too much free time at my computer, catching up with friends on Facebook and watching videos on YouTube

Which brings me to the title of this piece, as I was listening to Christian music and  happened to glance some of the comments and dared to respond to atheists complaining about the video being too long and boring

As if they would have watched it, however I didn’t retaliate just merely asked why they bothered coming to a Christian praise video in the first place

I digress, while looking around my eye was caught by videos put up by a Atheists group who did live radio chat and record them in video format too so they could add them to their YouTube channel (subjest os another posting)

Having watched a number of them, I came across a whole series of videos on Creationist v Evolution by AronRa, who turn out to be a well education scientific minded man, with a wealth of knowledge on many subjects

But watching all 14 of them along with ongoing counter comments concerning my view on the praise video, took it’s toll and found myself becoming disheartened and disillusioned about belief in god 

Such was the power of the arguments against religion in general, but more so those who believed in the creation of everything by god, that many question persisted in my mind late at night disturbing any chance of a peaceful sleep

Thing is I already knew somethings about evolution, as I used to watch a T.V program called “The origin of species” and later on “The naked ape” but they never upset me or challenged my belief in creation by god

But Aron’s videos certainly did, perhaps it was because he was so knowledgeable about so many subject with many I had not even heard of, or just his persistence in the production of so many videos hammering home the same message be it in slightly altered version of the same material, plus other videos he uploaded in which he directly attacked the bible and belittle Jesus and the miracles he did

Whatever it was, the effect made me doubt my faith and I allowed myself to think of giving up believing in god giving up my faith and therefore my religion

I find it hard to put into mere words the emptiness and sadness I experienced during those dark days, but perhaps in a strange way Aron did me a favor because of him I had the opportunity to experience what my life would be like without religion without my faith

I doubt if any atheist would ever begin to know or care about the vast empty void, or the all consuming bitterness a believer would endure if the turned away from god

Also atheist would ever begin to know what pure joy and love far beyond our human experience god give to us so freely, even though we could not expect it or imagine in even in our wildest thought  

To all believer in the God of creation, hold fast to what you have never give up, as God will never give up on you – God loves you in such a perfect way His love will fill all emptiness